Oops I did it again!

I always found grammatical correctness in languages to be painfully acquired wonts of the elite, forced upon plebs like me. If communication was of utmost importance, why would a preposition here or there make any difference? I stood by my stance until the day my mistakes started taking a heavy toll.

In 2003 I had taken a six month sabbatical from my job to go and work as an assistant director for a feature film. We were shooting in Mahabaleshwar. A small hill station. The shooting location was atop a hillock. All the utility and vanity vans (used by actors to rest and get ready) were at the base. The intelligent thing for any production/direction assistant is to gauge the shoot requirements of the next shot and keep it prepared so that as soon as the current shot gets over, you can start with the new one. Thus wasting no time.

Direction, production, art direction/setting, costume, make-up/hair, sound, camera, lighting, artists etc are the main departments that work in tandem at any given shoot. For a small crew working in a far off terrain, each department is given a walkie-talkie so that all are in touch. Unfortunately they happen to be at the same frequency and can generally hear each other.

My director asked me to go and rehearse the next scene with a famous villain (oh how I wish I could name him he he he :) in the vanity van and get him to the shooting location the moment I was asked to do so. I descended the hill. Knocked the door of the van. Rehearsed the dialogues with the actor. All was smooth. It was dusk. The most trying time of the day for any crew on location. Tempers flare and patience is unheard of at that time. The reason - sun is going down fast, we are losing light and one little mistake can mean that the whole crew has to come back to the location next day to film one last shot. Disaster in terms of waste of time and money.

So, when I didn't hear from anyone at the shoot location, I asked on the walkie, "Hello, what's the scene? Are we doing this shot today?".

"Yes, yes get 'the villain' to location fast", they almost barked. In the frenzy of setting up the next shot, they had forgotten to pass the message to me. I got out of the van quick and fast. Asked the actor to join me. But  like all actors, he wanted to take a good long languorous look at himself in the mirror and touch-up his hair and fake mustache again. I told him there was no time and we had to hurry. Nice guy, he obliged.

We both started climbing the hill. He being a little overweight was a bit slow and me even slower as I was carrying many things. All departments started getting anxious. Asking me every 2 minutes where were 'the villain' and I.

"The shot is ready, where are you?" is a statement equivalent of a time bomb on a shoot. A bomb that will explode on your head.

"मैं नीचे हूँ. मैं क्या कर सकती हूँ. अभी वो ऊपर चढ़ रहे हैं. वो थक गए हैं. Don't worry he will come in a few minutes".

The bomb did blast. The laughter bomb. Eight departments which heard it on the walkie-talkie burst out laughing. I was so stressed about the shoot and the impending scolding that I didn't get the joke.

When I reached the top, there was still some sunlight and we finished the shot. I asked my director what was wrong and why everyone clapped when we had finally landed on location. He saw how worked up I was. He didn't say anything much, just asked me to be careful and 'always use as many nouns I can', in a sentence.

I got to know of the whole joke later and still regret why I didn't say " मैं नीचे vanity van में  हूँ. मैं क्या कर सकती हूँ. अभी वो location की तरफ hill पर चढ़ रहे हैं. वो थक गए हैं. Don't worry he will  come to the location in a few minutes".

I have been very careful after that. Especially with cab/auto drivers. I never forget to add 'bridge', 'flyover', 'any given building name' while giving directions like "Bridge के नीचे/ऊपर से लेना" etc..

But last week I did it again. Our Hitachi Air Conditioner has been giving us nightmares and despite million reminders, it hasn't been repaired yet. I was going to be out of the house on the time they had given for repairs. I decided to record my conversation with the service center as a proof of the time given. I did record it but the sound clip is nothing less than an episode of Comedy Circus and completely inadmissible in any court.

Why?

Because I forgot to use NOUNS again. Here is the gist of my recent grammatical harakiri -

"I have been waiting at home. कोई आया ही नहीं लगाने के लिए. मेरे husband घर पे नहीं होते, I have to first call and check if he will be there. मैं आपको फोन करके बताती हूँ तब  आइएगा. और इस बार ज़रा time पे आना. 

Why couldn't I say "I have been waiting at home for the service engineer. कोई आया ही नहीं AC के parts लगाने के लिए. मेरे husband घर पे नहीं होते,  I have to first call and check if he will be there to get it repaired. मैं आपको फोन करके बताती हूं तब ही आइएगा. और इस बार ज़रा time पे आना  AC repair करने. "

Save yourself from linguistic suicides, use clear Nouns & Verbs in your speech and correspondence.

104 years old Baba Yogananda of Rishikesh - Honest & Hilarious

I love meeting people who think unlike me. But this February had something else in store.

Have you ever bumped into a 104 yr old man and got scolded by him for no fault of yours? We did :)

My father and I were walking to Ganga river from the ashram in Rishikesh. We saw an old man. As we approached him, he looked at Dad and said, "please don't come near me". We asked why and got a big lecture on how wrong our food habits are and how we were abusing our bodies. We were shocked initially but it is not everyday that you meet a person like this so we stayed on and heard him out. And what a conversation it turned out to be. Hilarious and honest to the core. I missed out on recording the initial bits as we were busy getting scolded by him :) but here is the rest.....

If you don't understand Hindi, I am attaching a slightly paraphrased translation. Enjoy the video!

My father Anand Natu & Baba Yogananda

 Translation & Disclaimer:

Baba: You should be slim & trim, just like these foreigners. She how fit they are. (points to a foreigner).

(He shows an invite of the Yoga Camp he held in Goa recently.)

Baba: I am like this because I am a poor man. If I were rich, I would have been dead by now. I don’t have sugar. I have never had tea/coffee. I don’t even look at tobacco & cigarettes.

Baba: (Points to his tongue) this tongue is a nomadic vagabond. Slips every time it sees a rasagulla (an Indian sweet). Start having a spoonful of Fenugreek seeds everyday with water (to cure joint pain).

Young boy in white Kurta asks: Please tell me something for body building.

Baba: Eat as many raw things as you can. There are 3 food shops. One that the God opened. One is the Hotel which opens a Bottle and does their total in the end. The 3rd shop is that of the Mother. The latter two are useless. The mother doesn’t know how to cook (because she is blinded by love). Only the food made by God is the one to eat – All fruits, all raw vegetables, and all dry fruits. These you don’t like (chuckles at the fast food addicted youngsters).

Young boy refutes: No no, I eat handfuls of these.

Baba to Anand: May it be any God, anybody who is born of the sex organs is bound to die one day. Paramatma (supreme soul) isn’t born of these organs. It is neither born, not does it die. It is all pervading. Present everywhere. If Ram, Krishna, Shankar, Vishnu were really Gods then why didn’t I find them in America, London, Germany, Holland, Poland and Switzerland? (Remarks Sarcastically) It is only in the whole of India that I find them.  (Re-iterates by pointing to the sex organs) Anybody born of here can only be a saint or Bhagwan but not Paramatma, the supreme soul (gives a few examples of the saints). Paramatma is not a subject of the eyes. It is a matter of within. (Laughs at the foolishness of people who travel great lengths to find the super soul) Why have you come here to look for it, it is inside you! People waste their time looking for it all around. It is inside you and you just need to know that.

Baba: I keep going abroad. People are silly. They give me air-tickets to go there. I have never bought anything (points at his clothes). India is full of such ignorant rich people who keep giving me things.

Anand: But you do need individuals who donate else how will....

Baba interrupts: See the whole world is a beggar; the one who gives is only one.

Young boy pulls his leg: Swami Ji there is nothing here, let’s leave it all and go to the mountains.

Baba refuses: I have lived in the mountains (Himalayas) for over 50 years, there is nothing there. This Guruji brought me here from Mumbai. (He means Swami Chidananda Saraswati who is the resident Guru of Paramarth Niketan in Rishikesh). Don’t worry; there is no one of my age around here. I have all my teeth intact, wear no glasses. Not many but I have 10 children and 34 grandchildren.

Anand: What did you do as a young person? Did you work?

Baba: No. I have contributed to the freedom of India (from British colonial rule in 1947). (names some famous freedom fighters) Bhagat Singh has played with me. I have met Subhash Chandra Bose. Tell me where was Subhash Chandra Bose from. You are an educated person. Tell me.

Anand: From Bengal (this is the general notion in India as Bose is a Bengali surname).

Baba Laughs: Ha ha ha he is lying. He doesn’t know anything. He doesn’t know the answer. Ha ha ha. (Subhash Chandra Bose actually belonged to the neighbouring state of Orissa).

Baba: Medicines can’t help you develop your brain. If that were true, everyone would have bought brains. (Gets agitated) You can buy quilts and bedding s with money but sleep the Paramatma has to give you. Money can get you a servant but not love and devotion. (Gives a long thoughtful pause) If people simply stop lying in this country, this country will be the king of all countries. But see, everyone is lying here.

Baba: Think for yourself. If you want to worship, you should worship the girls. But look around. All these Gods are being worshipped. We are making the Gods beg for us. They earn for us and we eat what is offered to them. ‘See we have turned all our Gods into beggars and we are living off them.’

Baba: If doctors had all the answers, wouldn’t they all live to be 100. But no, at 70 they go like this and say “Pappu get me a glass of water”. (acts out how old frail people behave and depend on others to do their work) Why should Pappu (a very common pet name for a male child) get you water? Is he your servant? I am totally against people who have children so that the children can take care of you in your old age. My grandchildren might need me but I don’t need my grandchildren to do things for me.

Baba: I sleep around 7 or 8 pm and get up at 2 am. Then I sit down for meditation for an hour. I have been doing this for over 50 years but honestly I can’t say that I have attained that state of absolute meditative state. I look for the gap between the breath I inhale and exhale. And yet, I don’t see anything. What will you know in a few days that you spend here! (He cites Buddha and others to tell how long they took to attain the absolute meditative states)

(He gets up) I apologise. Do forgive me if I have said anything to hurt anyone.

Anand: What is your date of birth?

Baba: 1908. I asked my mother when was I born. She replied, “When Rasbehari Bose threw a handmade bomb at Lord Hardinge in Chandni Chowk, New Delhi – two years prior to that you were born”. I tried to find out but there wasn’t any note of my birth as there were no registrations that time. Sri Sri Ravishankar (of the Art of Living fame) got my passport made. He is very close to me. He stays at Birla Guest House whenever he comes and asks me to help him meditate. (then he gives out some basic details of Sri Sri Ravishankar). My CDs are sold all over the world and if you search on the internet you can find me on YouTube (gives the YouTube URL)

Disclaimer: Above is a literal translation with occasional paraphrasing to explain the meanings with context to Indian references. It in no way claims the historical authenticity of whatever has been said. Especially in the case of Rasbehari Bose (Delhi Conspiracy case) which happened in 1912 and not 1910 as mentioned by him.

Kitchen Karma

What goes around, comes around : Few things most women would like to tell you about their Kitchen -

Do Not Enter (unless asked)
This space belongs primarily to the lady of the house and the domestic help. You are most welcome to come in and look around. But if you wish to grab a ladle, you'd either be a good cook or have been given due permission to do so. If you are a guest, your place is everywhere but the kitchen. We don't want you to see the last minute mess. It is only for us to see and the maid to clean.


Return the Utensils fast
If we like you and wish to send over yummy food to your place, make sure you return the utensils fast. They are not takeout containers. They doggy bags in the corner of your shelf need to come back home. Empty or filled, we don't care. Just send them back at the earliest. Especially the tupperware boxes.

Remove your shoes
Please remove your shoes before entering. This place is sacred. Most of us will also have our prayer rooms in a corner somewhere around.

Socialising is best left to the Living Room
You don't have to follow and come with us if we are just going to check upon the microwave before setting the table for dinner. Your guilt of 'not helping out' cannot be countered by you walking along with us into the kitchen. Sit in the living room, enjoy the snacks, we will be back out soon. (This applies to all women guests who have a habit of walking into the kitchen to have a conversation with hostess and refuse to step out).

Stacked plates are the best
This is for those who insist on carrying their plate, glass and cutlery to the sink after the meal. Please don't! First of all, you are a guest. And secondly, it is much easier to stack up the plates together, put all used cutlery in one glass, collect fish-bones in one quarter plate and roll all table mats into one bundle than the mess that will be created if you go one by one and crowd the sink. Trust me, you are only making us work twice coz we will have to do it again.

Do it in yours, not mine
If you make nice coffee or prepare better butter chicken, please do so in your kitchen and call us for lunch. Offering to cook is one thing, hijacking someone's kitchen is another. Not appreciated at all. Especially when you stand there asking the host, 'can I get some salt, can I get some pepper, can I get some sugar, can I get a ladle, can I get a pan' etc. etc. It is irritating.


Don't move anything
If you are here to stay for some days, know where everything is. Don't move things. Ask if you don't find it in an overview. Most articles are kept together as per usage - daily, weekly, monthly, yearly.

Fridge is a part of the Kitchen
Wherever it may be kept, the fridge is a part of the Kitchen. Do not open freely except for water and ice. If you need to use something, please ask. Things are stocked as per some math. Know the math. There is a reason why there are two containers of curd , six slices of cheese or spices in the freezer.


Don't dirty, don't clean
Try to avoid dirtying the kitchen. If you have unknowingly done so, then please don't clean it. Nothing is more embarrassing to a host than a guest cleaning up his/her house. Offer to clean, even reach out for the duster but if the host stops you, please leave the mess.

Don't judge
Everyone makes mistakes. Even the best ones. If someday you smell burnt rice or milk from you neighbours, don't go snooping 'Oh what happened'???

Don't compare

"My microwave reheats food it in less than a minute", "Our RO system refills itself in 40 minutes", "Our fridge makes ice before your's", "I have a two tier 4 burner gas, why don't you switch over to the same", "I never wash cut vegetables" etc. You might want to give such smart indicators and suggestions. Ummm... they might work at times but mostly they remind us of our limitations.


If you are family
You are most welcome in the kitchen. Do what you want. Cook, bake, clean, cut, wipe...whatever. But know this for sure - we decide the menu for the day and the domestic help takes orders only from us!

Loo hearings

I left Hawaii to come back to Delhi a day later than my husband. He took the Pacific route and me the Atlantic. Now for next 48 hours we would not be in contact. So I was a little low. They put me and my suitcases through an agriculture test. ‘All baggage bound from Hawaii to the U. S. Mainland (in my case it would be a long halt at the Newark Airport) is subject to pre-flight inspection by the U. S. Department of Agriculture. This is to prevent the spread of fruit flies and other hazardous plant insects and diseases.’, they claim.

I had to swipe my passport on these automated machines for the boarding pass. Never done that, so I asked someone for instructions. Realised it was simple. It scans the last two lines on the front inside cover (the one with lot of ‘<’ signs). I hear they have new biometric passports too. Mine was later fed in manually as the machine couldn’t read it :)

Then they tested my hands with some talcum powder kind of a thing. They say they were checking if I have handled explosives in the recent past. Ummm I wonder how this works during Diwali times.

I wasn’t in any mood to do any shopping. The dollar conversion makes me sick. More so when within one week of you having bought it at `48, it falls down to 45.

Everything was nice but I guess when one has decided to be unhappy, no one can do anything about it. I was simply sulking around. I think I was missing home, husband and dal chawal.

I kept my backpack down and was washing my face when I heard a familiar accent from behind one of the closed toilet doors. And then loud and clear ‘अरे चड्डी पहनो चड्डी ’.A mother was shouting at her child in Hindi, who refused to put the underpants back on.

I smiled. It cured me of the sad curve. In fact so much so that I laughed out loud :)

I had a good flight back to the mainland.

ho No Loo Loo

It is a record...till date!

Despite having spent a sizable chunk of my adult life in aircrafts, I have never been to an aircraft loo. I am paranoid. I feel that those automatic doors are going to go 'click' shut on me and malfunction and never open again. I have tried to get rid of this notion many a times but have made a straight 'U-turn' from the airplane toilet door. Just finished a 15 hour long flight. I kept my record. I still don't know how the li'l loo looks from inside :)