Happy Now?

Papa was here a few days back. He stayed with us for almost a month. This was the first time he was visiting me after I set up home post-marriage. I wanted to make a good impression.

What do parents want to see? Not a palatial house or cupboards overflowing with prosperity. All they want to make sure is that their child is happy. 

We travelled for almost 20 days. Me and dad. Just the two of us. From religious Rishikesh to royal Rajasthan to rangeela Punjab. With just a break of one day in between as a breather, we were constantly on the move. This trip was enlightening for both of us.

Baba & I - At the Rashtrapati Bhavan Interiors Tour

I realised that he wasn’t the same Col. Natu who was a picture of health. His knees hurt now. He worried for me and my brother constantly. He missed mom (we lost her few years back). He feared for his mother  who is 90. All he wanted was peace. He wasn’t what I always thought him to be - my daddy strongest, even though for me he always will be - He was tad bit older.

He realised I wasn’t the same either. I wasn't the bubbly, effervescent girl who would run to him with all her problems. I wasn’t asking him for any help. Instead I was offering him a hand as he climbed the stairs (which he refused fiercely). I didn’t let him pick the suitcases. I insisted he wear sports shoes. I wasn't what he always thought me to be - his little girl - I was tad bit older too.

During one of the train journeys he asked me why I wasn’t the same old me? I laughed and replied, “you are not the same old you either”. 

We came back to Delhi. He spent time at home. Partha (my husband) has this serene quality which can put everyone at ease in an instant. Baba adores him to the extent that he will squarely blame me for anything that goes wrong, not him. I guess that's a privilege most sons-in-law get.

One night Partha had to rush out for an emergency around 11:30 pm (he is a doctor). He phoned me once he had reached the destination and once more when he realised that he was going to take time. Dad was awake all this while. I had dozed off. He couldn’t understand how I could go to sleep when my husband is out. He asked me when Partha was going to be back. I replied sleepily, “ I don’t know.”

Papa looked a little displeased and scolded, “How can you not be worried about him?”.

Many previous worrisome nights flashed through my mind as I would go insane in the early months of our marriage whenever he stepped out at night. These emergency calls weren’t new anymore. I replied, “Oh don’t worry Baba he will come back when he is done. And if something has to go wrong with him, then somebody will surely call us and inform. What’s the point in worrying either way? Go back to sleep”. 

This present day husband-wife equation was new to Dad. My mother would have been worried sick if he were ever out. The logic that life is very demanding and one doesn't want to burden their partner for a lesser reason, doesn't cut ice with him. He flared, “Is there anything you worry about or look forward to?” 

One O’clock in the night was hardly the time to get into these discussions so I ended it with, “No I don’t look forward to anything. Now sleep.”

Partha was back by 2:00am. I opened the door. He walked in. There were no discussions about the patient (he never discusses his patients at home stating patient privacy and confidentiality). Of course I was relieved that he was back and the silent nagging anxiety over his safety was put to rest. We both slept sound and woke up fresh for a new day.

Baba didn’t sleep well. The root cries the most when it sees the branches dividing. That is what he imagined was happening to us.

He asked me as we were having our morning tea, “Are you happy?” I didn’t know what had brought this on. And then I remembered our midnight conversation. I knew just saying ‘yes’ was of no use. I was quiet. My efforts of making a good impression on him were kind of falling flat. What could I say? He thinks all this talk of 'giving each other space' is rubbish.

Silence has double edged undertones of coming across as sorrow at times. Just like a vibrant emotional spectrum sometimes resonates the falsity of a life lived well. I wasn't defending anything, that made him worry more.

Overjoyed photographs, public displays of affection, constant reaffirmations etc. are such widely accepted benchmarks of living in the pink cotton candy world that anything else seems like misery. Makes you look unhappy. The charm of these yardsticks is that they look the reality.

How does one tell elders who care for you that you don't anxiously look forward to being happy one fine day in the future because you are happy right now. You don’t wait to be at peace someday because you already are. How does one defend the calm waters?

Maybe the answer is hidden somewhere in...

चाह गयी चिंता मिटी, मनवा बेपरवाह 

जिनको कछु ना चाहिए, वो हि शाहंशाह

                                           -  कबीर