Monday, August 26, 2013

Why I hate my birthday

Yeah I have survived a lot and am happy to be alive but that doesn't meant I have to love my birthday.With due respect to the fact that life has given me a chance to lead one more happy and healthy year, I still maintain that birthdays are overrated.

They are so over-hyped that I believed in birthday magic too. The whole of my childhood I waited for someone to throw me a birthday party. None were thrown.

In my adult life I expected romance and fireworks. None happened.

I bought myself gifts. I booked holidays for myself. I pepped myself up to be bright and sunny on every birthday. I expected too much from this day. Year after year.

But last year I realised the insanity of it all. And no, it is not because I am getting older. It is simply because they are the most taxing days of my life.

If God ever asked me to give up anything, I will gladly offer my birthday. They are so tiring.

It is because I feel like I am duty bound to be chirpy and ecstatic on this day even if there is nothing extraordinary about it. No one really goes out of their way to make you feel special but you are supposed to feel special. Things that you actually needed in January are intermittently put on hold till your birthday in September arrives. Then offered to you like a cherished present. And you are supposed to say 'Ahhh just the thing I wanted!!'.

One has to put on a face and attend all the calls from friends and family who haven't bothered to be in touch otherwise. All year round when you are trying to make peace with them, not once does anyone return a call or send a smiley to the numerous sms jokes you sent.

I am tired of faking enthusiasm when anyone asks, "So what's the plan for the birthday?" I am not anti social but it annoys me to see some people being super nice to me on just one day of the year. Seriously....does every one go on exotic vacations or is having a 5 star dinner on their birthdays? Doesn't anyone spend it quietly at home anymore that they feign surprise when I tell them that I am at home??

It is said that one should do something for the society. Indulge in charity on your birthday. But right now I have a severe compassion fatigue. I do as much as I can all year round. Maybe not for a 'cause' or an 'initiative' but things that make a positive impact on the recipient's life. It is very disturbing that one is supposed to keep a tab of it all and explain this to those who want you to step up your altruist act.

I just want to be left alone on my birthday. Not sport a fraudulent smile or an affected gait. If I am happy then I am happy else it is just another year that has gone by where I have wasted a lot of precious time doing avoidable stuff. Stuff that looked impulsive but involved a lot of planning. Stuff that looked silly. Stuff that meant a lot...maybe just to me.

I want to be alone but when I am actually left alone, it hurts. Anticipation of all this starts depressing me almost a fortnight before my actual birthday. This day is like exam time. I just want to get it over with. It should come and go without a whimper. Maybe if I just close my eyes and hold my breath, I won't hear it arriving..

1 comment:

  1. Wooww now thats a reflection of my mind. Especially the faking part its very difficult to bear a smile though you dont like to. Nice read :)


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