Right now what I feel is something that I feel just once in a while. A kind of euphoria where everything is good and everyone is right. No reason for it though but a feeling where I feel extremely light, as if flying. I see a city down as I fly. A city full of places I love, people I care for and incidents etched deep in my heart & memory. I watch it from top and relive the best moments of my life. I watch, smile and think to myself 'It's been a good life. Not bad huh! Wouldn't really mind if it's time to go now. Everything seems in place.'
Funny that this sense of elation should actually stem from something gory.
I have been dreaming of something recently.
I see myself from behind in the dream. I have a big dried blood stain on my shirt, right side. The max I see my face is in profile. I visit every person I know and hand over either money or something that I owe them. I give it back and strike that persons name in the long list. With every strike I smile. At first I ignored this dream. But I got it again....and again. It scared me.
It made me go back to my old diary where I had jotted down on 22/01/02 "मैंने ज़रूर कभी किसी शाम से उसकी सुर्ख़ी छीनी होगी जो आज मेरी सहर को इतना इंतज़ार करना पड़ रहा है (I must have robbed an evening of its colour. That is the reason the dawn of my life is so long overdue)" I dunno why I felt "किसी का कर्ज़ बाकी है अभी चुकाना (I owe somebody something that I don't remember)".
I paid out all suppliers in the last week...visited parents...called all loved ones....even long lost friends....but I could still feel the void.
I have switched over to the Hindi version of the song now. 'Ye jo des hai mera...tujhe hai pukara...'.As I listen...the lyrics kinda say what's on my mind "mitti ki hai jo khushbu, tu kaise bhulaayega? tu chhahe kahin jaaye, tu laut ke aayega." Why do I feel that I have to be at someplace and I am not? Something is calling out to me but I dunno what that is. Two very strong feelings - a magnetic force that draws me to some place/thing and a kind of lightness in the body n mind.
(Noh-Kai-Likai Falls, Meghalaya)
The Magnetic Force reminds me of the time when I sat atop the rock at Jog falls or stood mesmerized trying to see the bottom of Noh-Kai-Likai falls through the clouds.
The Lightness reminds me of every time I enter a hotel room in an unknown city. There is a kind of 'no responsibility, everything taken care of, lap of luxury, no one knows me here, I can be myself now...throw in the towel' kind of freedom.
It's been a good life. No complaints.
Wish I knew what's it that calls out to me still.....