Saturday, May 17, 2008

Fly away...

Listening to 'Unthen Desathin'...that's the Tamil version of the song 'Ye jo des hai mera' from the movie 'Swades'. I do not understand a word of it but I love it.

Right now what I feel is something that I feel just once in a while. A kind of euphoria where everything is good and everyone is right. No reason for it though but a feeling where I feel extremely light, as if flying. I see a city down as I fly. A city full of places I love, people I care for and incidents etched deep in my heart & memory. I watch it from top and relive the best moments of my life. I watch, smile and think to myself 'It's been a good life. Not bad huh! Wouldn't really mind if it's time to go now. Everything seems in place.'

Funny that this sense of elation should actually stem from something gory.

I have been dreaming of something recently.

I see myself from behind in the dream. I have a big dried blood stain on my shirt, right side. The max I see my face is in profile. I visit every person I know and hand over either money or something that I owe them. I give it back and strike that persons name in the long list. With every strike I smile. At first I ignored this dream. But I got it again....and again. It scared me.
It made me go back to my old diary where I had jotted down on 22/01/02 "मैंने ज़रूर कभी किसी शाम से उसकी सुर्ख़ी छीनी होगी जो आज मेरी सहर को इतना इंतज़ार करना पड़ रहा है (I must have robbed an evening of its colour. That is the reason the dawn of my life is so long overdue)" I dunno why I felt "किसी का कर्ज़ बाकी है अभी चुकाना (I owe somebody something that I don't remember)".
I paid out all suppliers in the last week...visited parents...called all loved ones....even long lost friends....but I could still feel the void.
I have switched over to the Hindi version of the song now. 'Ye jo des hai mera...tujhe hai pukara...'.
As I listen...the lyrics kinda say what's on my mind "mitti ki hai jo khushbu, tu kaise bhulaayega? tu chhahe kahin jaaye, tu laut ke aayega." Why do I feel that I have to be at someplace and I am not? Something is calling out to me but I dunno what that is. Two very strong feelings - a magnetic force that draws me to some place/thing and a kind of lightness in the body n mind.

(Noh-Kai-Likai Falls, Meghalaya)
The Magnetic Force reminds me of the time when I sat atop the rock at Jog falls or stood mesmerized trying to see the bottom of Noh-Kai-Likai falls through the clouds.
The Lightness reminds me of every time I enter a hotel room in an unknown city. There is a kind of 'no responsibility, everything taken care of, lap of luxury, no one knows me here, I can be myself now...throw in the towel' kind of freedom.

It's been a good life. No complaints.
Wish I knew what's it that calls out to me still.....


6 comments:

  1. It's a wonderful world.....ur blogspot.Am gonna go through it at my own time. Just two things-lovely template and color & u write with a lot of heart. Here's to more of u on the net-cheers

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  2. didi aap ka likhne ka andaj to lajawab hey hi he..lakin likhne ke peeche jo dil hai na jo jindagi ke har pal ko enjoy karne ke andaj me hota hai woh bahut khoobsoorat hai........m proud of ur jinda dil writing didi.......

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  3. Maybe this dreams wants to tell you, that you have given so much to other people and made them happy- so you can grant you now a long list with lovely things you pay back to yourself.
    So on you list should be a big chocolate cookie- which I am sending to you now together with a big Hug. You are looking awesome on that pic :-)
    Andrea

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  4. You know why you got scared?? When one owes something to another person it establishes and maintains a connection. When you return this 'something' back and neither of you owe anything to each other (say settle the accounts!!) the thread of connection gets cut. thats what we are moratlly afraid of all throughout our lives : TO LOSE THE THREAD OF CONNECTION WITH PEOPLE WE CARE ABOUT.

    I envy your ability to put your thoughts into words so eloquently.. you got to be a gifted one... looking forward to the next addition..

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  5. Vandana ji bahoot badhiya. aapka aur gluzaar ji ka samvad (conversation) padhkar bahoot acha laga. Feel very proud and happy for you..

    So keep it up my friend.

    Aapka Shubhchintak..
    Rohit

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  6. I love the waterfall picture. I'm planning a trip to the north-east in december.

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