Friday, May 6, 2011

Right & Wrong

I no longer know what is right or wrong. The lines are either too fine or too far apart for me to state the difference. If I find something to be right, there is an argument opposing it. If I say something is wrong, there is something to contradict that.

I never thought highly of degrees and qualifications on paper. I always thought the fluidity of mind and matter far exceeded what the certificates mentioned one was capable of. These days I find my belief overturned.

I believed existence always takes care of you. The more you plan something out, more it goes the other way. I never bothered and I was always lucky that I was well taken care of by destiny as well as the people in my life. But these days the unforeseen scares me.

All my convictions have gone for a toss. Money never mattered to me earlier but it does now. Growing old was never a problem but it is now. Worrying for no reason was something only the fools did but I do that now. I believed I was blessed and gifted but now I think I am as normal as anyone else and maybe lesser. I thought I had friends and family that totally understood me but I wake up these days older and wiser coz I slept with my thoughts tightly shut inside me. I can no longer share them with anybody. Nobody gets me these days. They always tell me "how silly of you to think like that". I can be silly once. I can be silly twice. But for me to be silly all the time either there is something wrong with me or something not right with them.

My thought bubbles look like storm clouds now. They don't float, they burst.

I miss being rooted. I have been a wandering monk all my life. I thought that is what I like. That's why I travel so much. But everytime I sprout roots and start getting comfortable in a place or with a set of people, the circumstances whirlwind me out of there into a totally new place with a brand new set of people. I don't even get to take a few of them along for the sake of continuity.  It's a whole new life all over again. Time and again.

To know that it doesn't stop here and I am due for a world of change many times over in the coming years. This tires me. I want to dig my feet in but I no longer have the means or clarity of vision to do so.

I feel like I have everything at my service yet nothing is mine.

I no longer know what is right or what is wrong.
I live in a dazed world where the days pass but the time doesn't.

3 comments:

  1. 'I feel like I have everything at my service yet nothing is mine.'

    ...could relate to this post very well !

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  2. Hi,

    Visited your blog after a long while and went through this post of yours. I hope it is just a passing phase where you feel like that. And I do not know what exactly is going on with you - but I just hope you don't stop being who you are and being true to yourself. Take care :)

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  3. @ Anagha - I believe everyone goes through it once in a while.

    @ kasturi - I guess it's a mental fog which engulfs you at different stages in life...especially when in denial that one is moving on from one stage to the other. I am moving on from being a 'working person' to being a 'housewife with loads of time on hand' :) am still the same...just miss the extra coins in the kitty ;)

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Thanks for stopping by :)