Saturday, December 24, 2011

The Inside Story

These days I steer clear of any conversation which even as much as hints at discussing marital details of other people. There is no point. There are only four possibilities.

One - They are in love and have decided to stay together and grey together.

Two - They are not in love but find each other bearable enough to stick it out together for the rest of their lives for the sake of convenience, parents, children and some fondness for each other which is natural when you have spent a considerable amount of time with each other.

Three - They are in love but are ever evolving. They outgrow that fondness and find other things that mean more to them. Sooner or later they will part ways.

Four - They are not in love. They realised it but tried to make it work just for the sake of it. They will part ways sooner.

Beyond these four situations everything else is just a permutation and combination of the real life situations and what they project. People will get angry, fight, cajole, kiss, fight again, throw a fit, blame etc etc. but more often than not, they will make up. One can never really know the dynamics within. In fact I know of two diametrically opposite situations which make it very clear that you can never really know the inside story unless you are one of those two.

Situation 1 (happens all the time) -
A and B are madly in love and get married at the earliest. Slowly get to know each other and realise that they are very different people. A tries to keep B happy. Goes out of the way to do things for B. B is demanding. Never happy. A gives up. B realises this and tries to soften up. Tries mending ways. But A has already given up. Now B goes out of the way to do things for A. A isn't keen on relenting. B gives up. A realises this. Softens the stance so that B may try to make inroads again. But B has given up. A tries to woo B back. B is not interested. A goes an extra mile than B had. B is still not happy. This goes on. In the end, even though A and B have gone a long long way to keep each other happy, it simply doesn't work. Blame game begins.

Situation 2 (happens, yes it does) -
Imagine A and B cannot stand each other. They are separated. Their divorce is just about to come through. Both eagerly await the day they will be free of each other. Then one day, calamity strikes. A is dead. Just like that. Out of the blue. A is dead. The world doesn't know what was cooking between them. B keeps up a brave front in the public eye. Looks crestfallen (maybe B is truly sad but you never know). B is the center of limelight and is portrayed as the epitome of valour and composure. Goes home with all the money, fame and sympathy. A's bereaving parents are left alone and penniless . B goes and marries C.

Seriously, who is to say if A is to be blamed or B or just the situation itself? I have come to a conclusion that unless there is a case of gross violence or abuse, it is best not to judge and use superlatives of any kind when you come across a couple who is having a rough time. They will tide over it. Everyone has their own way of dealing with their spouse. You will be surprised how quickly they make up while you worry about giving them a solution.

(Why did I write this post today? It is because I came across an old newspaper clipping wherein lay buried some half truths which look like different ends of the spectrum to people who know the real story and those who don't.)

11 comments:

  1. hmm..marriage (or any relationship) is complex!!

    http://sushmita-smile.blogspot.com/

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  2. yes..resham ki dor...knot pad bhi jaaye to bade samhaal ke open karni padti hai

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  3. Well, the fifth one could be 'there is no alternative' ..but maybe that is covered in case 4?

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  4. u r right...'there is no alternative' better than the current situation is more like it. the moment they find it...they will go for it.

    my point was that there is no point getting judgemental about any two people coz you will never get to hear unbiased stories of both the sides

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  5. Great post, sums up interpersonal chemistries pretty well!

    Possibility # 1, only for the lucky few.

    Possibility # 2, for the majority.

    Possibility # 3, this is the best I can imagine and I have a question. Why can't two ever-evolving persons understand each other better rather than becoming more alienated? When you say 'evolving', you impart a positive spin to it, don't you? In any relationship where neither party is head over heels for each other, there can be personal space, quality and healthy involvements, and minimal nagging. So what's bad in it?

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  6. Yes I do use 'evolving' in a positive way. Whenever a person evolves, they keep getting closer to the true nature of themselves instead of maintaining facades which wil keep others happy. This is what refines thier individuality and sets them apart from the cloned crowd.

    The unfortunate part here for the couple might be that the intrinsic natures of those two people might inhibit the growth of the other. This is not to say either one is wrong, it is just that they find it much more dignified, productive and peaceful to be away than together. (Unhappiness and sadness breed wherever there is a sense of limitation.)

    They will most probably give each other space, bear a bit of each others eccentricities but the moment they find someone more compatible, they are bound to drift.

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  7. So what you are basically saying is that an ever-evolving person is lonesome and should better be left that way.

    Fair enough. I agree with you. Most importantly, those people should never get into a relationship in the first place.

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  8. I had felt there was something different about the way different people look at relationships and could put a finger to it when I saw the movie 'Bal Gandharva'. People with extremely fierce individualistic streaks (aggressive or artistic) enjoy the initial buzz of falling into a relationship but start feeling saddled when they have to dispense the responsibilities. They are happier alone. Alone is not to be equated with lonely.

    They are meant for the world and the world for them.

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  9. Lovely interpretation of 'lonely' and 'alone'! Cheers :)

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  10. Liked this blog... Truly,relationships between 2 people are complex and only those that belong in that space know exactly what is happeing... Sometimes u may see loads of laughter and happiness- but only the couple knows it is forced..to show the world tht everything is hunky dory, when infact not..etc, etc...etc... List goes on nd on nd on... So basically it is each to his/their own... Others cannot judge this maze of complexity... :-)))))))))))

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  11. 'dista tasa nasta' is what I follow as far as couple dynamics are concerned think bomb :)

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